Monday, May 24, 2021

Dealing with Personal Baggage in Marriage

 Marital issues divided into 2 categories:

I.  PROBLEMS CAUSED BY the marriage

II.  PROBLEMS  BROUGHT INTO the Marriage - (consequences of two becoming one!)

The 2 Categories:

I.  Things not a problem in a single bed (single household), (but NOW = double bed!)

II.  Things WERE a problem in a single bed (single household) (and NOW in double bed!)


I)  Problems created by marriage - by the union (marital developments, Becoming issues!

     housekeeping issues - the mating of a slob and and neat freak

     financial issues - saver vs spender

     simple expectations/assumptions  "mama picked up after me.  Therefore, so should you!"  "daddy covered my overdraws, so should you"

     sexual intimacy - how much?  how often? etc.

     faith issues - which church, any church? how serious? involved?

     political views - (if not discussed before mariage!)

     in-laws - (how to honor parents while cleaving to spouse?  

     holidays - spent where, how celebrated, Santa Claus

     Vacation - Spa?  or backpacking in the high country?  (deer season!)

     weekend mornings - morning person vs night owl

     child discipline - how?  by whom?

     TV ? chick flick or blow 'em up movie?  

     Thermostat ??

     dogs or cats ? both? none? inside or outside?

These = BECOMING ISSUES which were not issues before the marriage.


II.  Problems brought INTO the marriage - ie:  problems that already existed and were brought into the marriage;  Baggage Issues.

     touchy, over-sensitive,easily upset, OR IN-sensitive!  short fuse, hot temper, argumentative, quarrelsome

     mouthy, rude, impatient (even mean, cruel) demanding, unreasonable, pushy, inconsiderate, stubborn, unyielding, uncommunicative, un-compromising, unforgiving, unconfessing  ie:  never admit fault, therefore never apologize

These are character flaws we bring INTO the union!  - Rom. 3:23

    stingy, greedy, uncaring, unsharing, sullen, grumpy, always angry, always depressed (NOT clinical)

    lazy, irresponsible, deceitful, untrustworthy (OR - suspicious & untrusting!)

    abusive; low self esteem OR prideful, egotistical  

    Maybe an addiction, alcohol, drugs, pron, gambling  (these may not have existed before the marriage, but are NOT a result OF the marriage.)

These = BAGGAGE ISSUES - not caused by the marriage, but brought into the marriage.

All these are Becoming Issues and BAGGAGE Issues..

Becoming Issues = differences, preferences, habits, etc.
Baggage Issues = character flaws; at odds with God's will

Becoming Issues can (and should) be dealt with as a couple!  (talking, giving, taking ... finding common ground)

Baggage Issues = individual must fix it themselves!  (spouse can help but cannot fix)

Focus today = "Baggage Issues"

But look beyond marriage because affects all in the home!



(1)  What we call Character flaws - the Bible calls SIN!! 
      acceptable behavior = Righteousness
      unacceptable behavior = SIN
Anything that is contrary to what we were designed for.

(2)  having baggage is not necessarily Sin!!  (example:  POW, abused child)  It = our response to baggage that may be sinful.

(3)  Everybody brings some baggage into the marriage.  (from hand bag to U-Haul) - Rom. 3:23

(4)  Not dealing with baggage allows it to fester, grow, become deep seated and hard to extract.

(5)  The Biblical concept of dealing with baggage is easy to understand, but difficult to execute.  (the old man dies hard)

So.... How to Biblically deal with Baggage within marriage/home.

#1.  Discover God's will for your behavior
Which means ... Exposure to His Word!!! - which is:
     (1) Instructive  2 Tim. 3:16-17 - all scripture is God breathed
     (2)  Effective - Heb. 4:12
     (3)  Extensive - example:  Eph. 4:22-32 

Question:  How much time given to knowing His Word, will?

#2.  Open your heart and mind to what the Word is saying.
You will yourself to "Hear" the Word AND the Holy Spirit

#3.  ADMIT!!!  1 John 1:9 is Between 1 John 1:8, 1:10!!
Choices:  (1)  go with what your think/feel
              (2)  Go with what GOD says

#4.  REPENT - put feet to your decision, do what should do
UnBiblical Alternatives - denial, downplay, indifference, stonewalling, blame transfer, defeatism

#5.  WORK at it!! - Phil. 2:12-13 = joint effort - God's going to help you!
     Gal. 5:22-23 - fruit = joint effort!!  Work at it continually. 

#6.  Continue to WORK at it!  Rom. 6:11-14 
SALVATION (immediate) vs SANCTIFICATION - lifelong process of being practically holy.

Do you want to be God's man in a Godly home?
Then deal with baggage  

Do you want to be God's woman in a Godly home?

Do you want to be Godly Parents ina  Godly home?

This stuff is easy to understand, BUT difficult to practice

BUT -- the Outcome is worth the Effort!!

Closing Scripture:  John 8:31-32

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