Dealing with Personal Baggage (in Marriage)

 2 Categories:  #1.  Problems caused by marriage  (two becoming one)
                       #2.  Problems brought INTO marriage - ie:  introduced, injected, INTO marriage but NOT caused by the Union.
(some problems may be acquired during the marriage but not caused by the marriage.)

ILLUSTRATION CLARIFICATION:

I)  PROBLEMS CREATED BY MARRIAGE - by the union. (marital developments, becoming issues)

housekeeping issues - the mating of a slob and a neat freak

financial issues - saver vs. spender

simple expectations/assumptions - leaves clothes on floor because "mama picked up after me!"  tends to spend money that is not there because "daddy always covered my overdraws".

Sexual intimacy - how much?  how often?  etc.

faith issues - which church, any church? how serious?  involved?

political views  (if not discussed before marriage!!)

in-laws - (how to honor parents while cleaving to spouse?)

holidays - spent where?  how celebrated?  now = 2 person decision!

vacation - spa?  backpacking in the high country?  Examples:  Dallas malls?    Deer camp season?

Weekend mornings - morning person vs. night owl.

Child discipline - how?  by whom?

TV?  chick flick?  or blow 'em up movie?

Thermostat???

dogs or cats?  - both?  none?  inside or outside?

These = caused BY the union and need to be addressed and worked out as a couple.  They were not issues Before marriage!

PROBLEMS BROUGHT INTO THE MARRIAGE
ie:  problems that already existed and were brought into the marriage;  Baggage issues.

touchy, over-sensitive, easily upset OR in-sensitive!
short fuse, hot temper, argumentative, quarrelsome, abusive.
Theses were problems before marriage, but being alone, not forced to face/deal with it.
mouthy, rude, impatient (even mean, cruel), demanding, unreasonable, pushy, inconsiderate, stubborn, unyielding, uncommunicative, uncompromising, unforgiving, un-confessing, ie;  never admit fault, sulky, whiny, victim complex, loser complex therefore never apologize

These = character flaws we bring INTO the union!! - Rom. 3:23

Stingy, greedy, uncaring, un-sharing, sullen, grumpy, always angry easily depressed (NOT clinical depression), moody, lazy, irresponsible, deceitful, untrustworthy (or un-trusting and suspicious!)
Perhaps something acquired during childhood, developed on your own.
abusive - verbally or otherwise, low self-esteem OR prideful, egotistical.

Above = character flaws.  

Maybe and addiction - alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, shopping
(these may not have existed before marriage, but are Not a result OF the marriage.)  Are not caused by the marriage.
These  BAGGAGE ISSUES = brought into the marriage.

These are called "baggage" because you carry it with you (and also is burdensome)
"Personal" because belongs to you (as individual)
On one hand, may be a PROBLEM for spouse.....
However, is NOT spouse's problem!!  (Is YOURS!!)

Sometimes "emotional" because tends to unpack in Strong Feelings!!  ie:  emotionally expressed, not 'matter of fact', in difficulty

FOCUS TODAY = primarily marriage.
But.... the problem affects the entire home AND future generations!!

OBSERVATIONS ABOUT PERSONAL BAGGAGE 

#1.  What we call 'character flaws' the Bible calls SIN!!!
ie:  attitude, behavior contrary to God's will
     what = proper and acceptable = righteousness - right behavior
     what = improper and unacceptable = Sin - contrary to what God wills

#2.  Everybody brings some baggage into marriage   Rom. 3:23  - flawed individual with background in the world.
(note:  Baggage may be brought into marriage and/or acquired after marriage)

#3.  Having baggage is not necessarily sinful. 
examples:  POW, abused child
Rather = our response to that baggage that leads to sin.
On one hand, can't always hold individual responsible for having baggage. 
However, there comes a point where we are accountable to DEAL with it (properly)!!

#4.  Not dealing with personal baggage allows it to become deep-seated and hard to extract.
(Point:  deal with it sooner rather than later!!) 

#5.  The Biblical method of dealing with baggage is easy to understand.... but often = difficult to carry out!!
"The old man dies hard!"  - Rom. 7:18-24

So..... how to deal with it?  Whether "thrust upon you or 'acquired' due to sinful behavior ...
Answer =
#1.  Discover God's will for your behavior 
(What would God have you Do with this??)
Discovery requires ... Exposure to the Word...
  which is then  (1) Instructive - 2 Tim. 3:16-17
                       (2)  Effective  Heb. 4:12

Question:  How much time/effort do you give to knowing God's will for you??
Note:  part of His will = accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior!!
On one hand, His precepts work for all people!  However, they work best when you are "in Christ".
Comparison:  cut flowers with potted flowers with roots

#2.  Open your heart and mind to what the Word is saying.
(ie:  you WILL 'self to hear what the Word/Holy Spirit is saying) - ex.  Rev. 3:20
Expect internal warfare!!! (Rom. 7)
Expect Spiritual warfare!!  "when I would do good .... evil ... right there with me".  Satan doesn't want you to be a Godly person, have a Godly family, etc.

#3.  Admit to SPECIFIC character flaws (sins) revealed to you by the Holy Spirit. 
1 John 1:9 - "confess" = in Greek - homologeo     Homo (the same)   Logeo  (to speak) 
Confession is to say the same thing that God says.

Options:  (A)  what you think/ feel about this...
    vs.      (B)  what God says about it!!
It MAY be reasonable to have acquired that baggage... and therefore you feel justified in holding on to it.
BUT ... is it beneficial?  (to you, spouse, etc?)

#4. Repent - which = put feet to knowledge and DO what you should do.
Contrast:  stonewalling, blame transfer, victim complex, defeatism. 
Harboring, nurturing illicit feelings, justifying unrighteous behavior.

#5.  WORK AT IT  "the old man dies hard"
This = (A)  ONGOING EFFORT
          (B)  a JOINT EFFORT (you and God)  Phil. 2:12-13

NOTE:  Change not likely to happen in 1 day!!!
example:  how do you eat an egg?  - one bite at a time.
              how do you eat an elephant?  - one bite at a time --- will just take a lot longer = more bites!

NOTE:  Advances are not always permanent.  Don't expect too much too soon!!! 
Of yourself, of spouse.

Therefore:  (obviously) #6.  Continue to work at it.   Rom. 6:11-14  - 'let' = a choice
easy to comprehend, difficult to practice,  BUT WORTH the effort!!

John 8:31-32
free... FROM sinful baggage
free ... TO become man/woman/husband/wife He crafted you to be!!

Closing Scripture:  Prov. 14:1

Marriage - Gift from God

 Family Series = good for everyone - family is SO important. 
Marriage = Satan's favorite place to attack.  

Need to Focus on strong family --> strong church!!

Marriage is meant to be a blessing from God and to testify of Christ's love.

God's plan for women = Eph. 5:22-24   Yes, submission = very offensive.  However, Col. 3:18, 1 Pet. 3:1  - God has created things in order.  There is an order to the family.
This is very difficult, but this is evangelism.  Matt. 5:16 - 'Let your light so shine....'

Greek word for submission = Hypotasso - means subordination to those considered worthy of respect either because of their inherent qualities or more often because of the position they hold.  By order or role.  Not necessarily worth.
Example:  have no problem submitting to a boss at work, but hard to submit to husband at home.  Not meant to be that way.

Eph. 5:22 and Col. 3:18 say that, ladies, you are ultimately submitting to the Lord.

But, men have responsibilities, too.  And easier to submit when they do their part!  

Most sermons re. family skim over the ladies and beat up the guys.   This can destroy men and marriages.

 Question:  What does it look like to submit?

Examples:  "OK, honey, I trust you,", "I support you", "I'll help you".  Submission can take a lot of work.

Prov. 31 = woman working hard at the task God has given you as well as what He asks of you.
Should praise a woman like that.   Prov. 31:10. 31:30

Now for Husbands

Eph. 5:25-29 -

Quite a responsibility.  ie:  like Christ loved the church?  Laid down His life?
Christ loved sacrificially.  He purifies, nourishes, and cares for His church.

How can we do that?

Some suggestions:

1)  Lead - LET'S :  Let's go to church, Let's pray together.  Let's talk.  TAKE THE LEAD!!
Have the guts to make the tough decisions, take responsibility, have hard talks.  You are responsible for her spirit.  

2)  Grow.  We need to grow in our faith on our own.  Is a priority.  It's hard for women to submit to inferior faith.

3)  Sacrifice - Christ gave His life.  Can you sacrifice:  golf game?  hobbies?  job?  Something else you need to sacrifice?

4)  Cherish her - Eph. 5:28-29 - Wedding vows should include 'cherish'.  When you cherish her, she takes care of you.  Women = happy to submit to a man like that!
Definition of cherish = to treat with affection and tenderness; hold dear.  To keep fondly in mind; treasure; synonym:  appreciate.  To treat with tenderness and affection;  to nurture with care; to protect and aid.

DL Moody - "If I wanted to find out whether a man was a Christian, I wouldn't ask his minister.  I would go and ask his wife.  If a man doesn't treat his wife right, I don't want to hear him talke about Christianity."

He's right you know.  Our HEALTHY marriages are to point to a greater love.  They paint a picture. 
A loving marriage stands out.  Is evangelistic.  

Single people - start thinking, praying, and planning about this stuff now in preparation for the time you do decide to wed.

5 Challenges and some homework.

1)  Tech free time - no computer, laptop, phone, tablet etc.

2)  No phones in bedroom

3)  Go to bed together (at the same time) and talk

4)  Pray together every night

5)  Schedule date nights

Do this during the week:

Read and discuss how you can better serve each other: - preferably one verse each time

Eph. 5:25-32
1 Pet. 3:1-7
1 Cor. 7:1-5
1 Cor. 13:4-7

Write and sign a covenant of things that you want to do/accomplish as a couple

 

Buffaloes and Butterflies

 From 1989 - 34 years ago.

Part 1:
WHY YOUR HUSBAND IS SUCH A CLOD

Because:
(1)  He's human - Rom. 3:23
he's a seriously flawed individual!
(Note:  this message is for normal, everyday male cloddishness.  This does NOT apply to abuse, abandonment, cruelty, etc.)

(2)  He's a Male Human - Gen. 1:27
every cell in his body = different ... Including Brain Cells!!!  Are an average 100 trillion cells in a body.
Hence - "buffaloes and butterflies"

(3)  He's ignorant - ie.  uneducated/unlearned/unschooled
On one hand this is no longer true of much of OBC congregation. 
However, (1) for newbies  (2)  because ladies didn't want it left out!!

(4)  He's forgetful ... "butterfly" doesn't come natural. 
He may not be a BAD BUFFALO!
Rather = a seriously flawed, ignorant, forgetful Buffalo!!

(5)  He's Confused ... because:
     (1)  "butterfly" just doesn't make sense
     (2)  yesterday he = white knight!!
            today = court jester!!
Sometimes he knows what he's done wrong  But sometimes he hasn't a clue!!

AND ... sometimes it's not because he's done something wrong.... it's just that you're having BAD DAY!!

Part 2:
WHY YOUR WIFE IS SUCH A NAG

Because:
(1)  She's human - Rom. 3:23  (seriously flawed)

(2). She's a female human - Gen. 1:27
(every cell different, even brain cells!)

(3)  She's Ignorant?
On one hand, women are far more likely to seek information and counseling
However, who teaches this BASIS LIFE CHANGING Information?

(4)  Forgetful -
On one hand may learn basic care and feeding of Buffalo... but
it'll never come natural!!

(5)  She's Confused!!  because...
(1)  'buffalo' doesn't make sense AND
(2) yesterday she = your princess/queen
      today you = indifferent, irritable, grumpy, hateful?
Sometimes she knows why... sometimes without a clue!!!

AND
(6) Both = HURT!! 
On one hand, Buffaloes are notorious for trampling on butterfly's feelings
However, no one can inflict pain on your buffalo like YOU can!!

On one hand, small hurts will often heal. 
However, even small hurts tend to accumulate!!
(especially if not properly dealt with)
Compare:  hurts in 1st year vs. 10, 20, 30 years

So... Solution to this???

ANSWER:  there is NO (complete) solution!!!
Marriage = intimate union of 2 seriously flawed people!!  Are never going to have a perfect union.

But there are (many) helpful remedies...  (here's a few:

(1)  Problem:  He/she is Human
      Remedy:  Salvation - accept Christ, be born again)
On one hand, your humanity (sinful tendency) is NOT going away!
However, this = perfect way to begin addressing problem....

Salvation leads to (1)  new heart, new mind ("creation")  new outlook, goals
(2)  New understanding! new Rules... (ie:  God's Righteous Rules)
(3)  inclusion, indwelling of the Holy Spirit  (to convict, guide, etc.)

(2)  Problem:  Male/Female 
This is NOT a problem!!  THIS = God's perfect design!!!
Problem = sinful, selfish tendencies, actions

(3)  Problem:  Ignorance
Remedy:  Education   1 Pet. 3:7
     (others = "according to knowledge, with understanding)

Many good Christian resources available!
This will NOT make you fluent in Butterflies/Buffaloes.
Will give you amazing insights!!

(4)  Problem:  Forgetful 
    Remedy:  Reminders 
Again.... Buffaloes will never fully understand Butterflies and vice versa,
BUT Re-Visiting these material helps A Lot.

(5)  Problem:  Confused 
     Remedy:  there is NO remedy!!
On one hand, will never fully understand
However, education and reminders HELP!! A LOT!!

(6)  Problem:  Hurts - look at several helpful remedies

    A)  Recognize your failures  (plural)
ie:  specific shortcomings... so can address them!!!

    B)  Admit it - ie:  confess!  to self... to God!!

    C)  Apologize (even if not sure why that hurt)

    D)  Forgive = let it go/ don't hold on to it!!!

    E)  Recommit to spouse, to marriage, to GOD'S RULES!!

   F)  Be Reasonable  give up notion of a perfect mate!!  (your spouse is flawed and YOU are flawed!)

   G)  Keep Working
     on one hand it is a lot of work!!
     however, it = WORTH IT!!  for you/ your spouse/ your kids, for their kids, for church, for community, Kingdom.

Touchstone Verse for family series:  Prov. 14:1 - applies to both man and woman

Acts: Summary Verse

 Acts 1:8 - Summary of whole book of Acts.   

3 points from this verse:

#1)   We are weak.  - don't go without God's power.  Acts 1:8 - to go when they had power.  Were to wait.
         Luke 24:49 - wait.
    Is exhausting to try to do God's work without His power. 
Make preparation.  Acts 1:13-14 - prayer meeting while waiting for the promise.  Good place to start when setting out to do what God called to do.
Is hard to talk to people about God when not talking to God yourself.

Note:  at just the right time, (Pentecost) God showed up and delivered on His promise.

#2.  We are weak, but He is strong. 
Acts = acts of  God working through the Apostles.

Acts 1:8 - receive power when ....   Word for power = physical power, might, ability, efficacy, energy, meaning. 
The definition of power here = usage = miraculous power, might, strength

The Acts recorded were ALL of GOD!!

Remember Peter?  - sinking when walking on water?  get behind me Satan?  denied Christ 3 times? 

But, the Holy Spirit shows up, and God uses Peter - he stands up and delivers a message, explains prophecy and 3000 people were saved.

Apostles = country boys from the backwoods, aka - Galilee.  Unassuming.
John 1:46- "can anything good come out of Nazareth??  Matt. 26:73 - different accent

Took some Galilean boys and changed the world.  

Isn't that God?  examples:  David and Goliath, Gideon, and now the apostles - Acts. 4:13

1 Cor. 1: 26-31 - God does His work through us through the power of the Holy Spirit.  

John 14:16-17 - helper = paraklete - (come to one's aid)
Usage = advocate, intercessor, counselor, comforter, helper

In the Old Testament, Holy Spirit showed up for a time for a specific purpose - ie:  Samson & jawbone.
But now He resides in a believer permanently!!  We are sealed by the Holy Spirit when we are born again.
1 Cor. 3:16, 1 Cor. 6:19-20 - body is temple of the Holy Spirit

For what purpose?  Answer:  to be HIS witnesses!  Because:

#3.  God Loves the World  - John 3:16-17, Matt. 28:18-20, Psm. 2:8, Acts 1:8 -
He wants to redeem the world. 

He is on a mission and He chooses to use us in it.  For our good and for His glory.

Jesus - Lamb of God - John 1:29 , Passover to Pentecost = 50 days when God sends His Holy Spirit.
 
From first Passover when first lamb was slain to Feast of Weeks when Moses given the Commandments at Mt. Sinai - 50 days after Passover.

Exodus 19:5-6 --> 1 Pet. 2:9-10

Holy Spirit fills us and makes us a holy people.  Gospel is to be preached to the whole earth.

God is on a mission to redeem the world!
How about you?  Are you on the bench?  missing out on doing your part - scared, don't think you can?
Do you have the Spirit?
Are you NOT connecting with God?