Family Series - Dealing with Unmet Need of the Moment

 (credit given to Dr. Karl Elkins from video on biblicaltraining.org and Dr. David Ferguson of Intimate Life Ministries for much of this information)

Eph. 4:29 NASB - "Let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but if there is any good word for edification according to the need of the moment, say that, so that it will give grace to those who hear."

Preparation:
Committing to communication
Establishing good will  ie:  both parties want to do this

Overview:
The God step - seeking God's help with this, submitting to God's will in this.

The Head step - trying to understand, comprehend this situation, this unmet need

The Heart Step - going beyond the intellect to emotions, feel my pain

The Hands Step - active, practical, Biblical response - (admit, confess, apologize, etc.)

THE TWELVE STEPS:

1.  Warm up - pray8ing together and committing:
      a.  To God's will
      b.  To one another
      c.  To resolution

2.  Speaking the truth in love:
     a.  Ask "In what way have I failed to meet your need in this?"
     b.  Answer:  "I felt my need for _________ was not met when you _______.  It would have
          meant a lot to me if you had shown a little more _________."

3.  Seek to understand
     a.  The offended myst attempt to explain precisely what the problem is
     b.  The offender must attempt to see and understand

4.  Clarify essentially a repeat/continuation of Step #3 in an effort to fully understand

5.  Validate the hurt:  "I see that I did hurt you in this situation."

6.  (attempt to) "feel the pain"

7.  Confession (admission)

8.  Apology

9.  Forgiveness

10.  Declaration of good intent - that is, intent to correct this behavior

11.  Question the resolution
       a.  "Have I fully addressed this?"
       b.  "Have I satisfied your mind?"
       c.  "Have we resolved this?"  If so than can move on.

12.  Reverse the hot seat - the offended now asks "Is there anything I did, or did not do, that influenced you to do that?" - talking about the same instance
If the answer is "yes..." then go back to step #2 but with reversed roles.

Suggestions:

1:  address one complaint at a time.

2.  Start with smaller issues

3.  Recognize this is difficult for both parties.

4.  Recognize that a good marriage thakes effort... and is worth the effort!

Touchstone verse:  Prov. 14:1

 

Family Series - Meeting the Needs of the Moment

 last Week - Unmet needs in marriage

Noted:
(1)  We are created needy beings - by God (before the fall) - created with a need!

(2)  Some of our needs can only be met by people! 
which is by God's design!!

focus here = emotional and relational needs

(3)  IF married, your spouse is to be your PRIMARY need meeter.   (soul/filler/satisfier)

When needs are not met, leads to a degree of emptiness; alone-ness, dis-satisfaction, incompleteness, "not right"
You may not be able to identify or describe your need ... but you know when it isn't right!

BUT, (4)  the focus of scripture is NOT getting your needs met... the focus of scripture is on you meeting the needs of others!  (or.... Another!) 
touchstone verse = Phil. 2:5-8

Add:  (5)  Your needs won't necessarily be the same as your partner's needs!
difference of gender, personality, temperament, background, baggage
Example:  if unloved as  a child leads to greater need for security!!

And,  (6)  Your partner's needs will CHANGE from time to time!
ie:  the needs of today are not the needs of tomorrow!! 
example:  comfort tank = full today!  But..... tragedy hits ???

So:  "Meeting the Needs of the Moment" - self-defining
Eph. 4:29

(credit to Karl Elkins @ biblicaltraining.org - David Ferguson)

Illustration:  bad day --> big fuss --> treat hubby as an incompetent boob....
later ... try to make up with snuggles and affection
BUT the need of the moment is replenish his Respect Tank

Illustration:  wife accused by co-workers/betrayed/fired!!!
Your response = "you're such a good looking woman!"  How about a little romance???
BUT need of the moment = comfort, encouragement, support

Point = you can lovingly attempt to meet a need and MISS IT!!

So ... how to recognize, respond, meet the need of the moment? 
will deal with that in detail next week.

OBSERVATIONS:

(1)  your husband is always gonna be a clod!!  Not everyday!  But from time to time!!!

BUT .... isn't this (clod) the one you want to spend the rest of your life with???  (substitute nag/witch?)

(if "yes" then = establishing good will)

(2)  So why resign yourself to "the way it is" IF can have an Improved clod?  (Nag/witch?)
(no reason can't develop and improve)

(3)  On one hand, not way you (as single individual) can implement this alone  (= team sport/ partnership endeavor)

However, you as individual) can begin the Process!!  (be the 1st mover!!)
Eph. 5:25-29 - Point = Jesus sacrificed for the the church to improve her so He'd have a better bride!

Closing Scripture:  Phil. 4:8

Family Series - UN-MET NEEDS

 Review of points in Family Series:

What your husband is such a clod.  Why your wife is such a nag.

#1.  He/she is human - Rom. 3:23  (seriously flawed)

#2.  He/she is a male/female human - totally different in every cell from each other

#3.  He/she is ignorant - unlearned, untrained, uneducated, not knowledgeable (doesn't mean stupid)

#4.  He/she is forgetful - training doesn't remove what come natural.  

#5.  He/she is confused - he = today = knight in shining armor, tomorrow/next week - Darth Vadar
                                      she = most precious/ important thing in life/ tomorrow/next week - ignored, overlooked, annoying.

#6.  He/she is HURT!! - starts as disappointments --> grow --> accumulate --> HURT 

Note:  we are looking at typical marriages.  Some marriages have issues that this study won't necessarily help.  Need to have two willing people.

Sometimes hurts = intentional.  But, usually = result of Steps 1 -5 above.
AND - typically "hurts" = result of UN-MET NEEDS in your spouse's life.

Process often is:  "you don't meet my need -- so I hurt you!  (ignore a need, refuse to meet a need) - which makes you angry and lash out.... which leads to more hurt, more refusal, more anger, more lashing out - results in downward spiral of relationship

So, today's focus and next week  = Recognizing and Meeting UN-MET NEEDS in your partner's life.  (is a human condition)
(Application goes beyond marriage, but marriage = the primary focus for now)

I.  We are created needy beings
Illustration:  Adam - Gen. 2:18
NOTE:  this = before the Fall and yet (1) Adam has a need!!    (ie:  a relational need!)

and (2)  that need requires something more than GOD!!  

Compare the "one anothers" in Scripture!!!
A)  Love One Another - John 13:43-35 - love is more than attitude, it is Action!!

      By this will all men know that you are Christians, when you.....

B)  Greet one another - Rom. 16:16 - (a) greet, emphasis on *b) holy

C)  Encourage on another - He. 3:13, 10:24-25 - definition:  courage, 

D)  Build up one another - Rom. 14:19, 1 Thess. 5:11, Eph. 4:29 - build up with words
Note:  most ppl. don't deliberately tear down, but don't deliberately build up either.

E)  Bear up one another - Gal. 6:2 = heavy burden, great load.  Vs. 5 - normal load, man's pack

F)  Bear with one another - Eph. 4:2  Col. 3:12-13 - ie:  be patient with

G)  Serve one anther - Gal. 5:13,  1 Pet. 4:10 - example:  John 13:14

H)  Admonish one another - Col. 3:16 - ie:  warn, advise, counsel, confront

I)  Confess your sins to one another - James 5:16 - not just wrongdoings, but shortcomings, faults, failures

J.  Forgive one anther - Eph. 4:32 - doesn't mean forget; means remember and love anyway!

K)  Pray for one another - James 5;16

Rom. 13:8 - no matter how much you give, this debt is never paid off.

All these are legitimate needs... to be met (satisfied) by other people!!   In other words, we are created with a God shaped hole in our heart; also with another person shaped hole! 
And when  this hole is not filled, leads to a lacking; a dis-satisfaction!!  maybe small --> annoyance.  Maybe large --> major dysfunction

Where is this going?
(1)  we have relational needs that can only be satisfied by people.  

II.  (2)  IF married, THEN spouse should be primary need meeter - the satisfier.the hole filler, the SOUL FILLER.

Summary so far:
(1)  your are created with relational needs (not necessarily the result of sin - though they are FED /enhanced by Sin)

(2)  IF married many of those needs should be met by your spouse (partner)

BUT:

III.  The Focus/Emphasis of Scripture is NOT getting your needs met.... Rather = meeting the needs of others (another!!) 

Examples:  Phil. 2:5-8 - Jesus had rights, BUT forfeited those rights to meet the needs of other.  (therefore exalted  by God!!)
Matt. 20:25-28 - servant, self-appointed slave
Luke 6:38
Heb. 13:16

Example:  Passage of Eph 5 - "husbands live; wives respect"
On one hand your have the right to receive from your spouse
However, the FOCUS = your Responsibility to meet (legitimate) needs of spouse!!
Emphasis on giving, not receiving.

(Qualifying note:  you can't totally give without receiving!   ex:  don't get fed = starve!
BUT in a normal, reasonable marriage ... the Scriptural focus is not getting your needs met!!  Rather = meeting the needs of your partner!!

Some observations/applications:

#1.  Your partner is a Needy Person (created that way!)
Granted, you are too!  But the focus here (and in scripture) is not on YOUR needs!!!  Always on meeting needs!

#2.  IF you're married, God expects you to be your partner's primary need meeter (soul filler)
On one hand not all your partner feels the need for = legitimate@@
But,  much of it is!!  And often - your job to meet those needs!

Eph:  4:29 - ONLY HELPFUL, BUILDING UP, ACCORDING TO NEED, BENEFIT

#3.  Being a Need-Meeter  (Soul Filler) is a tough job!! - requires commitment, discipline, patience, hard work, self-sacrifice, perseverance.  Is demanding and difficult!
This is NOT a one time decision!!  (example:  at the altar - marriage vows) = daily!!!
Luke 9:23

World says you are most blessed when are getting your needs met! 
But, Jesus says ...
#4.  You are most blessed when meeting the needs of others!  (or ...ANOTHER!)
Sure, doesn't always feel like it!! BUT...

When your become a blesser, need meeter, soul filler ...
(1) your spouse is blessed and (likely) becomes a better person  (therefore better partner!)

AND,
(2)  you are blessed ... and become a better person!  this = a WIN/WIN situation!!

#5.  This runs contrary to the thinking of THE WORLD!!  But Jesus says otherwise  (God/Scripture)

and so... You'll never know the truth and power of this unless and until you put it to a long term test.  (practice)